There’s a character in War and Peace who never realizes how beautiful she is. Her most dazzling attribute is her glance, her wonderful spiritual eyes, but when she studies herself in the mirror, her eyes go dead. She becomes rigid and disapproving—and she remains in ignorance of what everyone else knows, that she is the woman with the beautiful eyes. Many people fail to perceive their looks clearly. We all carry around in our heads a sketch, if not a finished painting, of how we appear, and too often the sketch is unflattering. Sometimes the sketch may be redrawn along more attractive lines if we’ve been cruised heavily in the streets. But the next time we are ignored or rejected, the sketch turns into a caricature. Not everyone goes through these agonizing fluctuations in self-esteem about his body, but there’s bound to be some correlation between the way people react to your body and the way you regard it. If everyone tells you that you look terrific, you’ll begin to believe it — at least until the next time you face a mirror or have to choose some clothes or decide whether to grow a goatee.
It’s not bad to be affected by what others say, but it’s terrible to be ruled by it. This is especially important today, due to the increased display — some say exhibition — of nude and nearly nude male bodies, not only in gay magazines, but also in main- stream media, movies, on the Internet, in billboard and newspaper advertising. In recent decades, women were regularly subjected to such objectifying display, but not men. But for better or worse, men have caught up, and we are daily subjected to seeing handsome, tall, slender males with wide shoulders, huge arms, muscular legs, large rear ends, and small waists: Adonises. The working out of the male abdomen has become such an obsession that the muscular “six-pack” shape now seems to be required of any male appearing in public. This is, of course, as unfortunate for many men’s body image as a generation of so-called supermodels has been for women’s self-image. Our bodies are defined primarily by genetics, secondarily by health, and thirdly by exercise. No matter how healthy and exercised you may be, by virtue of your ethnic heritage or hereditary assets, you may never be able to fit into what has become almost a stereotypical male physique. However, it’s worth remembering what you consider your worst feature may strike others as your best. Men with a poor body image convey a sense of insecurity to the people they meet. Their insecurity is off-putting and their fear of being ugly, self-fulfilling. A few use their poor body image almost deliberately to keep other men at a distance. The scenario goes like this: “I’m ugly; he couldn’t possibly like me; no one could like me; therefore I needn’t risk getting close to anyone.” Quite neat, really, but an awful way to live.
A poor body image can be improved. One way to let the light of reality invade this murky business is simply to ask a friend what he likes about your body. You will be surprised when your partner praises your small ears or the “butch” veins on the back of your hands (Butch? Your hands?). Or the rivulet of hair running from your navel into your crotch—features you’ve never given two thoughts to, since all you can think about is your giant nose or your forlorn buns. If there’s someone you trust completely, you might ask him to join you in an experiment. Have him sit in a chair and look at you while you stand and study yourself in the mirror. Tell him all the things you like about yourself — your wry smile, your big eyes, your powerful neck, your skin color, even the chipped tooth that you secretly pride yourself on. Naturally this orgy of self-regard will embarrass you at first, but it is curative. You could look at yourself in the nude or clothed. If you don’t want to do all this in front of someone else, do it alone, but make sure that you say the complimentary things about yourself out loud. Why this viva voce approach should make a difference is not certain, but it does work. Perhaps people need to hear positive things about themselves, and not just think them. If you wish to do something to improve your body, don’t just talk about it: Do it! Swim, take up a new sport, or join a gym. When you begin to show physical gains, show them off with more revealing clothing by going to a pool or a beach; give people a chance to tell you about yourself. All too often false modesty or anxiety causes us to cut off compliments. Attend to other aspects of your appearance — your clothes or your hair; change any part of you that will give other people and you a visible sign you’re feeling better about yourself. Even if it doesn’t significantly change your looks, it will improve your health, place you alongside other physically healthy men, and it could alter your attitude for the better. And don’t let anyone put you down! Our advice boils down to setting your own standards for your looks rather than submitting to the standards (either real or imagined) of others. You must begin by yourself. After that, the good feelings you radiate will be magnetic to other people.